These days I'm really busy. Like really, really busy. I have a little, black book with a day to day calendar in it and each month is absolutely filled to the brim with work, training, practice, meetings, and reminders. I think I'm busier now than I was when I was in college. But you know what?
It feels fantastic.
There was a time before now that having this much on my plate would send me into a panic -- a deep spiral of anxiety and depression and loathing that would have had me ignoring all of it just to spend more time hiding in my bed where I felt safe. I was wondering the other day just why it feels so different now as opposed to just a year ago, and how I'm handling things in a new way.
Aside from some proper medication, the difference is purpose. It's drive, passion, a sense of going somewhere as opposed to just treading water.
All my life I've sort of gone the path of least resistance, and when things got too hard I just changed direction instead of fighting the current to get what I really wanted -- because I didn't really even know what I wanted. I thought I did, but for some reason I always gave up. Instead, I tried to fit in. I changed majors (several times) to what I thought might be easier and provide a more stable future instead of one I really cared about. But I never stuck with anything if it got too hard. The only thing I really enjoyed was time I could escape from my life into games, books, movies, etc. Work was always going to be something that I crawled through in order to have my precious, lazy downtime at the end of the day or on weekends.
When I decided to stop trying to fit in and go with the flow, my worldview changed. It's difficult, and maybe I'll never get where I want to be with it, but I realized how much being creative and performing meant to me. When I take even one step in that direction I get more energy not less. For a serious introvert it's as thrilling as it is terrifying, but I can't stop myself. For the first time I believe that people actually might want to hear what I have to say and my brain is suddenly Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's couch.
I'M SO CLENCHED UP RIGHT NOW; LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT VOICE ACTING.
It feels great to be busy. I can't NOT be busy now. I've got so much work to do, so much content to produce, so much to give back in a life that (aside from the incredible woman I somehow tricked into marrying me) I feel like I've utterly wasted to this point. But it's not too late. To paraphrase Monty Python, "I'm 32. I'm not old!"
I have worth, I am enough, I have talent and skill and a depth of passion which surprises me sometimes. I wish I could have told myself that ten or fifteen years ago, but I am where I'm supposed to be right here right now and you're all going to hear about it.
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